Mini Golf Group Night Planner: A Clapham Five-a-Side Party

Clapham mini golf is where Dan has decided to take his Sunday league five-a-side squad to mark the end of the season, after a year of muddy pitches on the Common, two cup runs and one memorable own goal. The team has nine players, men and women, a goalkeeper who never stops talking and a captain who takes everything too seriously. This mini golf group night planner turns a putting round into an awards evening the squad will retell for seasons to come.

Footballers bring their positions with them. Strikers will want to win every hole, defenders will play safe and the goalkeeper will treat each putt as a penalty to be saved. Mix them. Pair each striker with a defender, and put the keeper with the quietest midfielder. Pairs take alternate shots, so every player depends on a teammate they would not normally pick.

Nine players do not split evenly, so make one trio and give them a one-stroke penalty for the advantage. Or let the captain play alone as a forfeit for the season's tactics. That kind of light mockery is part of the fun, and it gets the room laughing before the first ball goes anywhere near the hole.

Give the pairs football names rather than numbers. Name them after famous partnerships, a legendary centre-back duo or a pair of strikers from the eighties, and let each pair argue about which one of them is the lesser half. It sounds small, but it turns two teammates who rarely speak off the pitch into a unit with a running joke for the evening.

An end-of-season night needs awards, and a putting round gives you natural pauses to present them. Prepare one award for each of the first nine holes: the most dramatic dive, the miss of the season, the worst tactical advice from the touchline, the player most likely to blame the pitch. Read each one out at the tee, then let the winner take the first shot.

Keep the prizes cheap and silly. A plastic trophy from a pound shop, a fake medal, a laminated certificate. The joke matters more than the gift. Save the serious award, player of the season, for the final hole. By then the whole squad will be ready to cheer, and the winner gets to take the last putt of the night in front of everyone.

Footballers arrive hungry. Order sharing platters early so they land around the fourth hole: fries, wings, sliders, nachos and something green for the one teammate who is always training for a marathon. Ask for a table near the course rather than a separate dining area, so nobody misses a shot while waiting for food.

Drinks are the usual sticking point for a sports team night. Some players will want a few pints, others are driving or have a run the next morning. Start with a round of jugs or pitchers and alcohol-free beer side by side, and let people top up as they like. Skip the competitive drinking. It belongs to a different kind of night, and someone always ends up turning an ankle.

Before or after the round, take the squad across Clapham Common. The open grass has hosted football, cricket and Sunday kickabouts for generations, and the team will spot the pitches where they won and lost. Point out the bandstand, one of the largest in London, and the ponds where model boats are still sailed on weekend mornings.

On the north side of the Common stands Holy Trinity Church, home in the late eighteenth century to the Clapham Sect, a group of reformers who campaigned against the slave trade. Under the southern edge of the Common lie deep wartime shelters dug beneath the Northern line, which later housed some of the first Caribbean arrivals on the Windrush before they settled in nearby Brixton. A two-minute story at the right spot gives the walk real weight.

Time the walk for the last of the daylight if you can. In late autumn the light over the Common turns gold in the afternoon, and a squad photo under the bare trees, with the church in the background, is far better than another shot in a dark bar. Keep the walk short, twenty minutes at most, so nobody arrives at the course cold.

After the round, head to Clapham Old Town on the north-east corner of the Common. The little square around the old clock tower is lined with Georgian houses, restaurants and cafes. Venn Street, with its old cinema and terrace of eateries, makes a good place for a squad supper if the platters were not enough. Groups of nine fit easily early in the evening.

If the squad wants to keep the night going, there are pubs around every corner of Clapham. The honest suggestion is to resist the urge to roam. Pick one place with room for the whole squad and stay there. A team of nine splitting into three groups across three bars is how end-of-season nights lose their shape.

Clapham's weather is the same as the pitch's: unpredictable. If it pours, skip the Common walk and take the bus or the Northern line between stops. If two players drop out on the day, regroup into three trios and keep the alternate-shot rule. Odd numbers matter less on a putting course than on a pitch, which is one more reason to swap boots for putters.

To find indoor games, group-friendly restaurants and pubs with big tables around Clapham, ask the Karpo APP and keep a short list ready for the group chat. It also helps when the captain inevitably suggests a rematch in a month.

Send the details in one message a few days before: meeting point by the bandstand, a reminder to bring the team shirt for the photo, and a hint that awards will be handed out. Keep the categories secret, and ask the goalkeeper to act as host for the awards, since he will talk anyway. The mystery gets more players to turn up than any reminder about the time.

After the night, post the photo of the squad in their shirts holding putters, the list of award winners and the final scorecard. It becomes the team's season review. Next season, someone else can take over the planning, and the tradition carries on from there.